1. 8 months ago 

   I used to drive when I was angry

   ..and turn on Yellowcard or Dashboard Confessional or Secondhand Serenade…and this was the way I dealt with all of my high school frustration-whether that be something melodramatic like my boyfriend not showing up to the donut shop on time or writing a terrible poem for my English class or pissed at some customer. I remember blasting “so long” with the windows down, rain pouring outside, and actually miming out the motion of waving goodbye-as I drove to my boyfriend’s house with a paper bag full of dvds that I dumped on his lawn. I think this breakdown was inspired by being ditched one night. I had a high capacity for holding and expressing emotion- and thus transformed into something out of an atrocious teen melodrama miniseries. 

   Once I got to college, my way of dealing with anger had calmed down, but became something so much more distressing..not speaking to people..writing people off. Feeling like the only victim in the world-completely innocent. I think I should’ve just kept singing, in my opinion. I feel like I had never truly loved myself, never truly loved anybody else because I really couldn’t love myself. And rage turned into frustration turned into questioning and letting go…my god, letting go is the best thing I have learned/am learning to do. 

   Wasting time trying to fight off whatever crap situation you have going on in your own head..you are wasting time not loving people. It always begins with yourself, even though it’s hard sometimes…then it becomes only about everybody else. And in this paradox rides the action of the adventure…maybe the way to discovering that we can ride on love until we realize we are part of it. I could not be happier that I was able to learn this lesson…maybe how what some would consider “the hard way” but I still feel incredibly lucky. I have wasted so much time in a place of disgust- but now that I have realized I can love people until it hurts and until it is so strong it breaks out of me in the only ways my body knows how-I’m left with the question of how. 

   What do you do when you realize the only thing left to do is figure out how to love the world in a way that you ride it like never before?

2. Notes

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